i promise this will be awfully written.
it was all i could scribble down last night when i really needed to.
and it's for me, really.




mother.

you're so fucking childish.
he slapped you because you got hysterical and cursed and accused as you always do do when you're drunk. and then you bleat to him about how he's a bully and proceed to not listen to anything that he says. he apologised and yet you persisted. i would have slapped you again if i were in his shoes.

and how about the way i feel?
for once in your selfish little life you could try opening your eyes and realising how on a daily basis, you bully me. you make me feel WORTHLESS. you make me feel sheer nothing to the point where i wish myself dead at the worst of times. because i will NEVER be good enough for you.

you're a miserable alcoholic, and what's more, you're the most self-centered and supercilious bitch i have ever had the misfortune of meeting, and rather sadly, i am HALF of you.

it's almost funny right now, how i ued to pity you, even defend you when he got angry. you know what i do now? i RELISH the times when he is winning, when you really feel like shit.

you're not human, you don't feel, you probably have never really understood the value of empathy.
and the biggest mistake of my life was letting you get to me. i failed because of you. and i don't feel strong enough to university because of you. and now i actually have to live with you for another whole year.

i can hear you right now, going round the same weak (wrong) arguments time after time, a fucking stuck record. and you can only hear your own voice, your own opinion. of course- why should anybody elses matter to you in the slightest?

your voice actually scratches at my soul. it's left grooves, wounds. insecurity. paranoia. a fear of the one place that should be my sanctuary.

you drive the people i love right out of my life. my sister doesn't come home for long because of you. you actually made her ill, like you did with my dad.
and you did with me.

but you're just too fucking stupid to realise this.



sometimes i hate you like no other.

-----

okay so there, i said it.
unsurprisingly i don't quite feel the weight lifting off my shoulders.

she drives me insane.
not the stupid phrase that 14 yr olds might use to describe their parent that doesn't give them an extra £20. y'know?